It was a sunny day in March, luckily one of those days where the weather was okay. Subtle, the sun was shining, while the wind did what it was best at. The women of this busy town had already dragged their spring dresses over their necks, the beautiful and modern patterns elegantly dancing in the wind. I sat on a bench, waiting for her. She could arrive any time by now. Dear Lord, it's been ages since I saw her! I was really excited about meeting up with her, my first and only love. It was one-sided, though, and happened years ago. I still remember her beautiful, child-like visage, always flushing with energy, and her sparkling dark blue eyes. She was so lovely, almost in a goddess-like manner. I remember how we used to ride our bikes around town, when we were younger. how we laid in the grass and watched time drift by while looking at the stars. "I think I like you", I once said to her, my face going scarlet. The stars winked at us for a moment, and my mind felt heathy and rushed, unable to believe that I just confessed to her. I turned my head from the side, and watched her divine profile, her nose pointing up at the sky. Her hair was cobber-brown, thick and slightly curled, now spreading itself on the grass. I picked up a lock of hair, as she stared into the sky. It was soft and carried a fragrance of strawberries.
Her lips was full and she opened her mouth slightly, blinking for a few times. Her soft and fragile voice was suddenly audible, that feminine, high pitched voice. Lips separating, she finally spoke. "I know you do. I never doubted that". Then, she fell asleep in my arms, only to maintain our friendship.
The wind was bustling my hair, and I was sure I looked like a mess. But she had seen me worse, back in the days. We had known each other for years now, ever since we were little kids, we were clinging to each other. For some reason, when I moved out of town, we lost contact over the years. I became busy with my new girlfriend, whom I didn't love, and she was busy with her friends and family, or so I thought.
Suddenly, I saw a frame of a person, this skeleton-like girl, hardened by the years of not eating. She looked wheel-legged, and there was several inches between her thighs. A brownish hat adorned her head, and she wore a pair of huge sunglasses which seemed to eat her fragile face. Cheekbones popped forth under them, and her mouth was firmly closed, as if she concentrated on something.
Her see-through, light blue dress was waving in the wind, clasping against her small, almost-wrist-like thighs. It was certainly an expensive dress, I thought to myself quickly, probably Dior. Grey knee high socks caressed her legs, pooling around her ankles and knees, and a pair of flat, black Dr. Martens was pasted on her feet, looking out-of-proportion due to her emaciated frame. Her hair was hidden away under the hat.
Slowly, she took of her sunglasses in a delicate manner, and a spark came to her deep blue eyes. Then I realized something; Luna.
"Luna? Is that you?", I called out. I couldn't believe my eyes, and I felt like my heart was dropping.
The before clenched mouth widened in a grin, and her once-beautiful teeth dug forth under her full, painted lips. She had dyed her hair black and cut it all off, going to around her neck, filled with veins and prominent bones.
"Oh, there you are!", she yelled excitedly, and rushed towards me and the bench I was sitting on. Her stalk-like legs quivered as she set up the speed of her pace, and her limbs hung loosely wide from her waist.
"Long time no see, isn't that so, James?", she gently said, and memories flushed over me, as I heard her voice. This once so beautiful girl I knew, with the cobber-brown, slightly curled hair and her feminine, goddessly curves, had vanished into this sad shell of whom she once was. I couldn't believe my own eyes.
I cleared my throat as silent as I could, but ended up coughing a few times. I had been sick the past week or so, but managed to get out of bed the minute she called me.
"Luna. You have certainly… changed", I splurted out, and the moment I did that, I regretted saying it. I was surprised by my own voice. Looking at me with a subtle smile adorning her lips, she looked down.
"I thought you would say that. Do you like my new hair? Oh, it's been ages since the last time I saw you. Look at you, you handsome boy!" she said rapidly and threw her arms around me. I could sense her spine through that beautiful, soft dress, and I ran my fingers over her back, feeling every rib poking out. Her voice interrupted my search for any possible flesh on her body. "or man, I should say. You turned 24 last month, didn't you? I'm sorry for not calling and singing happy birthday to you".
I let go of her thin arms around me, and looked her in the eye. Her eyes, once so magnetic, had turned into dead oceans.
I cleared my voice again. "Oh, your hair, it's great. A new change once in a while is good, isn't it?", I said, feeling bad for being dishonest. It looked pretty on her, I must say that, but her cobber-brown hair was almost Aphrodite-like, and I missed it. What was left now, was only thin, tangled hair.
"And that's okay, it's been years since we saw each other the last time, so I didn't expect a call", I said. She looked at me with her beautiful smile directed at me. I continued speaking. "But why don't we sit down for a bit? I'm dying to hear about your doings!"
Fumbling, her slim fingers shook down into her beautiful LV leather bag, desperately searching after something. She took her hand up, now stuffed with a pack of Blue Kings cigarettes, slowly unfolding one and pushing it up towards her half-split lips, before she lit the light. Puffing in the smoke, exhaling for a moment and stared peacefully into the distance, she sat down on the bench behind us, throwing her one leg over the other. Her socks looked like they were about to slip down her bony legs any second.
"I need to hear", she said calmly, "about you and and that girl, Lisa, wasn't that her name?"
I shook my head, and released a little "unm"-sound, to show that she was right. "We've been dating for 4 years now", I replied.
And then the talk just kept on going for hours, watching the cars go by. I felt like I was lost in the moment with her forever, and it felt amazing. We laughed, and her beautiful smile strutted many times, as we talked and talked, about our daily lives and how we used to hang out all the time, and the things we did together.
Luna finished her story, about the one time where we ditched school to go on a marshmallow-binge together, and I laughed. "I miss those times, I really do", she said, looking at the sky as if she was looking back at her own youth. Her hair was actually pretty, I thought to myself, I just had to get used to it. Her voice met my ears. "I would do anything to be able to eat a marshmallow again."
I looked at her prominent cheekbones, and waited for a couple of moments before I replied. "Well, why don't you just do it?", I said, and she looked down at the asphalt beneath us, with a nervous smile, as if she was about to choke up on tears.
"I can't", she said.
"Why not?"
Her bony hands were shaking, as she fumbled with the lighter placed in the palm of her hand. Hours had passed, and we had seen how the sky had went from light blue, just like her dress, to a subtle pink color, now ending up in a navy-blue mixture.
"I simply can't. You wouldn't believe me if I told you", she replied. I looked at her with wonder in my eyes. "The doctors won't even believe me."
Waiting for a few moments, thinking over what to say, thoughts went through my mind. Obviously, she was sick, and with that confirmed, I just had to figure out what. Different illnesses ran through my head, before it hit me.
"Luna.. I'm sorry to be rude, but", clearing my throat once, I knew I should have worn a scarf that day, "are you anorexic?". At first, she looked at me in chock, her eyes wide open. A few second vanished, and silence caressed our backs with it's long, pointy fingers. She looked down into the dirt, as if focusing on something. Lowering her voice, I could hear the fragile in her voice, the weakness.
"It's just a diet, so I've kept it quiet. Even if you told all my family and friends, they wouldn't believe it. In fact, they don't, and I've lost so many persons in my life", she said, her voice trembling. Gently, I soothed her by running my hand over her clothed spine.
And she was right; I wouldn't believe it. She was sick, and I knew it. I had no idea what to response. Luckily, she beat me to it.
"But.. I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. The only string that holds me back from insanity, is the scale. They want to put me in a looney bin, but I'm not ill. It's the world which is wrong, what's wrong in seeing the beauty in bones? I just.. I need the control. I'm soon being kicked out of my apartment, and I have no job.". She sighed.
I just looked at her. Tears were forming in her eyes, and they looked almost glass-like and grey. I think it was just as hard for her to talk about, as for me to listen to. What could I possibly do for her, to make all the pain go away? Nothing. And I knew it already. Instead, out of instinct, I leaned over and held her in my arms, as she started sobbing.
Weeks came and went, and summer was slowly approaching, the next time I heard from her. I was sitting on the balcony in my tiny apartment, as my phone suddenly rang. Looking at it, as it never actually rang, I picked myself up from the chair underneath me, and walked casually towards the phone. It was a number I did not know, and I considered not picking it up, but did anyways.
"Hello?", I calmly said, and scratched my head. I was tired, and it was only almost nine o'clock in the evening.
Someone breathed into the receiver of the phone. I waited for a few seconds, and as no one replied, I was about to hang up, it was probably someone with a wrong number. But a voice cut me off.
"James? James… I'm being kicked out of my apartment. I don't know what to do", a stringed voice said, and I immediately knew who it was.
"Luna?"
"Yeah, it's me. You got to help me. I'm falling apart here." I could hear the tears being choked down, and I felt like my heart was going to rip apart any second. It literally hurt inside of me, and chills went down my spine, my stomach as hard as rock. I had her on my mind the weeks after I saw her, and I had grown more and more distant from my girlfriend unintentionally. When she asked me if I could come over, I always found a way to wiggle out of it.
"Where are you?", I inquired. A moan met my ears, and I realized the sound of cars driving by was audible.
"I'm at a phone booth on the street across your apartment. I think it's your apartment, at least. I walked in the pouring rain all the way, and I'm soaked. Oh God, and now I'm crying." I could her a surpressed sob coming from the back of her throat. She sounded really out of it, and my heart raced. "I found you in the yellow pages."
I shook my head, having no idea what to do. "Come over, I'll lend you some dry clothes". She sniffled a few times, moaning before replying with a weak "okay", and hung up on me. 10 minutes later, I found her in front of my door.
Her hair was dribbling wet, and her mascara had ran down her cheeks. A rough, checkered shirt was plastered on her tiny body, and water was forming underneath her in a little pool. She was wearing thigh-high socks in black nylon, which were even looser on her than the prior I saw her wearing. A small pair of ballerinas adorned her feet, and she was probably soaked to the very bone.
She had lost weight, a lot, actually. Her cheeks were completely gone, her collarbones were frightening prominent, and her fragile small hands caressed a simple black suitcase. She looked at me with downcast eyes, standing awkwardly there, as if she was 6 and had just entered school ground for the first time. Gently, I tugged her into me, holding her head between my fingers, and she broke into crying. "It's okay", I said, soothingly, in chock over the bones underneath my palms.
"No, it's not", she sniffled, "I've lost all control I had."
Evening had painted the sky dark cobalt blue, as we sat down in the couch, awkwardly looking at each other. I had placed a cup of tea in front of her, which she thanked me for, but never even took a sip of. I poured some sugar into mine, as the words splurted out of me. "I think you should come live with me".
She looked at me in awe, with her mouth wide open. She fought her spoon around in small circles in the tea, slowly taking the cup towards her mouth, breathing in the sweet fragrance of strawberry as if her life depended on it, but put the cup down on it's plate again. Then, she sent me the warmest smile I could possibly imagine, and I felt my heart flutter for a second, unable to breathe. In those eyes lied a "thank you".
We packed out her things and made room for her clothes in my drawer. She was shaking, and the bone of her wrist pointed out, almost skin-breaking. There was no flesh left on her body, I was completely sure. Looking at me with an anguish-filled smile, she whispered "thank you". But I saw the pain in her eyes, the weaknesses and the damage which had far too long been done.
I'm not going to lie. We made love that night. And it was probably the happiest moment of my life. I forgot everything, from my shitty job at the office, my school, my girlfriend I didn't love, my troubles. When we were done, heaving and fighting for breath, we looked into each others eyes, and my hand flickered over her fatless stomach.
"Luna.. Why do you do that to yourself?", I asked, and kissed her gently on the neck. She looked at me in confusion, and laughed nervously. Her hair was still wet. "You know, the starving", I finished.
She turned on her side, staring directly into my flushed visage. I focused on her lips, as I thought back at what we had just done, riding out the euphoria. It felt right.
She parted her beautiful lips. "The control is the only thing I got. And the safety, because when you're down, there's nothing that can hurt you anymore. I don't know", she said, smiling. "In the darkness lies no shadows".
